I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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