My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
