So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
