Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
