K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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