Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
