There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
