my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
