I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
