ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize
