There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
