In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
