So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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