I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
