Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
