winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
