Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
