she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
