Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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