I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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