You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
