my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
