I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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