I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You were trust falling into bushes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
