When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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