My first STD was from a foam party
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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