Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I sprained my soul last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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