I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
