We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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