Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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