Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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