Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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