you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
