I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
