In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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