got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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