When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
