Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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