i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
