so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
