all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
