It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
