We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
