life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
