I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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