I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
