i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
