I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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