Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
