my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
